The struggle within

I have been so consumed with thoughts that are irreconcilable with myself, and with each other. I have been standing at a crossroads for days now, and I still don't know which way to go. Some small part of me wants to keep standing there, because this in not the first time I have been faced with a dilemma such as this. Nor will it be the last, I am sure. And knowing that just beyond this point of decision So maybe it is laziness or complacency, or maybe it is fear of not knowing what the next crossroads will be. Or maybe it really is that I am just not sure which way to go yet. At times I am closer to choosing, and then somehow end up back where I started or more lost than when I began.

It just seems that the past two years have been filled with decision after decision about where to go next in my spiritual journey. I have learned so much about my God these past two years and have come to recognize Him more. I am tired though and I need a rest. This kind of growth that God is allowing in my life is grueling work, and I feel that I need a break. In fact I feel like I have earned one! But that is probably false. And at the same time, I don't want to stop. I don't want to stand still for fear of being left behind, or not being able to find my way back. I want to press forward but I am having a hard time mustering the strength right now.

So here I stand, looking down one way and then the other, trying to see which one "looks right." Which one do I want and which one does God ask of me? And are they the same?? And if they are not, can I once again choose Him over myself? Those times that I choose me, I eventually come to that same crossroads again. And the time that I choose Him, He brings peace.

But right now my thoughts are so scattered and conflicting. No way is clear. Not yet.